Owed
Over the past month or so, I've been on more first dates than in the past five years combined. Gee, the adventure a cold day can bring. There have been a couple second dates, as well.
Overall, it's been fun. I'm pretty surprised at how good I am at conversation. This is not to say I'm attractive, interesting or intriguing to everyone, but I haven't had an awful date. That said, I haven't had a "spark" beyond friendship in any of these, really. I've actually been able to make a few friends, which is cool. My count of male friends has really gone down in the past couple years. So, it's a good thing. I have plans to go skiing with one guy and his sister next month. We agreed that we weren't a match but both have trouble finding people to ski with, so we're doing that. I won't go alone with him, because we are not dating but if we can form a group (i.e. sisters, etc.) that's fine by me.
I suppose some of this is a little disappointing, seen as it is a dating service, but if the story I come away with is how I made some new friends, I've probably already beat out half (or more) of those experienced in online dating. In some ways, that's good enough for me. In others, it's a little exhausting because then I have to think about the whole when and if thing more; and you know how my little mind goes, and goes. I told a friend this the other day, and how I just didn't want to try that hard right now. I told her I was a little tired of it and that I wouldn't keep up the online thing and maybe not be too concerned with dating at all. She knows me and she knows I can do this. She knows I can block things out, at least temporarily. I expected her to say "sure, take a break." Instead, she said this:
"You know what? No. You don't get to quit. You don't get to convince yourself that timing or karma or lack of energy have anything to do with your dating life. If you want to stop the online dating thing, that's fine but you don't just get to quit altogether."
"Why?"
"Because, despite your claiming a destiny of Old Spinster Cat Lady, though you don't even have one single cat, there is someone out there for you! I know you can't see that all the time and I know it might get a little difficult to believe but it's true. It's true and I see it. I see it in you and you know what?"
"What?"
"You owe it to that person to not give up. You owe it to him to be 100% looking for him, the RIGHT guy, when he finds you."
It seems so obvious. Of course, it's not about only me, it's about him, too. I owe it to myself, and the person that might come along. Maybe this statement doesn't apply to everyone. Maybe some things do happen when you least expect it. But for me, right now, I believe it. I want to believe it.
9 comments:
I almost didn't post a comment here, because I have nothing to say about dating. I met my husband when I was 16. That was it. Now, when you are ready to talk about marriage and babies and preschoolers and homeschooling and teens and all that comes with it, I'll be ready. In the meantime, I'm deferring to all those who dated more than one guy in their lifetimes...
I love this post. It gets grueling sometimes. The dating and not matching, but dating still the same.
But your friend is right that we have to keep the goal in mind.
Plus, the fact that he's out looking for me like I'm looking for him is pretty cool.
BoP- Even so, I am sure you have wisdom to contribute... logic that I'm missing, maybe.
Dawn- There is a certain reassuring element to that, I agree.
i love your friend. even though her advice was for you, i got something out of it for myself. it's a good way of looking at it!
I was going to say the exact same thing as sizzle - I love your friend. Not for the specific words, but for the idea of it all. I think it's great to believe in it all. Not just for yourself and for the guy . . but believing in people and the friendships you'll encounter along the way . . the things you'll learn about yourself and relationships, and the ability to have intimate emotional moments with people - moments are what life is made up of.
And all the stress stuff lately in your life? Let it happen - it's normal. Part of it is who you are, and part of it is life circumstance that you chose or is on the calendar. You gotta go through the process one way or another, so you might as well embrace all of it - the fun and the stressful.
Ah dating...yes...so much fun. I've heard all the advice from lots of different people myself about it and I know your feeling on the being tired of it. While your friends advice is good, but honestly there is another way to look at it too, not fully giving up, but not specifically looking for it, might be the best way. I'm a big believer that in looking for something, you are less likely to find it, but kind of seems when you are open to the idea of it and are willing to open yourself to the right opportunity, I think it's better than looking for it. Heck, I've got maybe two guys now showing interest, not sure how I feel about either, but I wasn't looking specifically to meet either (and heck, one came about when I was supposed to be meeting his friend), and who knows what might happen. I'm definitely open to things if they meet the right criteria. You sound like you're about in the same position I am in (without the online thing though cuse I gave up on that a while back!!).
I have been thinking about a response for awhile, in general to the "dating sucks" issue. No amount of encouragment or advice makes it suck any less or makes that man appear. But keeping yourself on there can't hurt. It takes A LOT of effort (those who are fortunate not to do it) and it is NEVER easy. But it has a great return on all that investment. The thing is that time needs to be invested - so online dating, blind dates, hell going to the dog park are all worthy. Keep on fighting the good fight. He may appear when you least expect it - like out on the streets (that is while running).
I don't know if you can truly owe someone who you haven't met and possibly never will. But I will agree with the statement that you owe it to yourself and your future self to continue trying search for someone who will make you happy (this doesn't mean that you are unhappy now). Personally, I don't think I believe in the "one person is out there for me" myth. This doesn't mean that I get to write-off trying to make a connection or meet truly amazing people through whatever methods are available (online, at the grocery store etc.) So I will keep trying. I hope you do too.
Then again, this unsolicited advice is coming from an absolute loser in the online dating game! lol
That final bit of your post reminded my of something my drama teacher in HS once said. She said 'So life sucks sometimes and that's just the way it is. Nothing we can do about that. But does that mean we should deprive others of our beautiful smiles?' Clearly not.
We should never deprive others of the beautiful side of ourselves...it is the least & the most we can do.
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