Thursday, November 30, 2006

And so I worry

Today, I made seven nervous jokes in five minutes. You know the kind, where you joke about your hair or your shoes or burping or gas or something just to take the attention off whatever the subject is? Well, today the subject was me and the fact that I am freaking out a little.

In case I'd neglected to be blatant to the point of sheer annoyance, let me now cross that line without looking back: I HAVE A MARATHON IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS. I also have a major event to help coordinate, I have a plane to catch, I have Christmas cards to write, I have binders to organize, I have shopping to do, I have three projects due at work by the end of next week, and I have a knee that, according to my articulate doctor, is "living on borrowed time." No, it doesn't hurt and it's not going to fall off or anything but my doctor says we need to address it A.S.A.P. after the marathon. Ugh.

Never having been known for my quiet suffering or rock-like strength, I apparently have not been hiding it well. I came a little unglued when the hostess set my glass of water on the table at lunch today and when I promptly said "Thank you" she said "yeah, whatever." So I said "Excuse me?" and she ignored me. So then we had to leave the restaurant because I'm certain that, no matter how you've trained, they won't let you out of jail to participate in a marathon if you're charged with Murder One. My poor, innocent lunch companions were kind enough to humor me but I am sure they won't put up with much more.

I'm not sure why I do this to myself. I'm not sure why I freak out internally (alright and a little externally) at these busy times. They are mostly my doing, I know, but you'd think I'd learn to just chill out a little. You'd think I'd learn to not worry. But no, I worry.

I worry about being late. I worry about forgetting something. I worry about not getting the right gift. I worry that I don't have time to read blogs. I worry that this makes me seem like a jerk. I worry about my parents. I worry about my dog. I worry about my money. I worry about my inability to refuse Christmas cookies. I worry about life changing. I worry about life never changing. I worry about the weather. I worry about my legs not wanting to carry me 26.2 miles. I worry I'm not seeing my friends enough. I worry and I worry. I freak out, and get temperamental. I break out from the stress. I get tired. And then, I worry some more.

And I don't know why I worry so much about me. For someone that is calm and collected in a crisis, I sure know how to turn things over in my head at warp speed. Your dog fell off the porch and broke his leg? No problem. Stabilize it, put him in the car and go to the vet. That, I'm all kinds of together about. But with me, I'm totally illogical. I think about how I need to do laundry and pack and send those Christmas cards and, for gosh sake, stop eating so much and then I freak out and start dragging people out of restaurants because I may be stressed but if nothing else, I will demand decent customer service!

Some days I wonder how I have rational thought at all.


backofpack said...

Here's what I do: It's all about prioritizing. Sit down with paper and pen. Make a list. Organize it in order of importance...things like projects due at work are important, the event is important, heck, you've got 25 days to get those cards out and the shopping done. Binders? Does that have to be done between now and Christmas? The knee can wait till after the marathon, put it aside for now. You should be tapering, so getting marathon-ready won't take too much time.

Here's the other thing I do: I decide when I will worry about certain things. I promise myself that I will fret over whatever it is all during my next run (usually the next morning). I don't allow myself to think about it till I'm running and then I give free rein. Somehow, moving and worrying go together well, and I usually come back with a settled mind.

Oh, and by the way, if you are busy, we will understand if you take a blogging break. We've all done it at one time or another.

Have I helped any? I've gotten real jittery three or four days before each marathon - I find it hard to concentrate for long. Back to normal now, though! So, take a deep breath, give yourself some grace, and carry on!

Dawn said...

I think you did good to leave the restaurant didn't wanna be on loogie patrol when your food got to the table.

Celina said...

Oooh! I get the same way sometimes (except for the whole marathon thing)! It tends to be amplified when there is something BIG going on that I SHOULD be worrying about, but to keep my mind off of it, I let myself worry about all of the stupid little stuff!
All we can do is trust that things will work out! And, when I start to get overwhelmed by WORRY I just ask myself if worrying about it will help. If the answer is No, then I try whole-heartedly to Let It Go.
Good luck with that!

justrun said...

BoP- Yes, that helps. I am a huge list maker- the Queen of List Making, I think, so that does help. I always feel better if I knock a few simple things out first so I'll try that.

Dawn- Loogie patrol. GAG.

Celina- I am sure a large percentage of it is nerves, which I will whole-heartedly (I like that effort) try to calm. :)

e.b. said...

I like BOP advice. And breathe - it sounded there like you weren't...good luck!

Sizzle said...

i'd be distracted and on edge with worry too if i were you. it's those who can be the strongest for others who crack when it comes to their own stress. listen, you're just dealing the way you know how and there is nothing wrong with that. leaving that restaurant was a good move (how rude of that server!). it might be time to let some things go- for one thing, as a blogger, i know it can be difficult to stop reading for a while but we'll all be here when you come back. don't add so much to your plate you can't see the plate.

and yeah, that breathing thing is a great idea. ;)

Runner Girl FL said...

OK Seroiusly...GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

It's getting scary! You shoud just log in and post to my blog too...


I'm not at the 2 week point yet but I can see it building.

Stay will end soon.