Monday, October 09, 2006

And I Still Don't Know

After eleven hours at work and another two at a team meeting for a charity event I'm helping to put together, I walked into my house to the phone ringing.

I answered on the last ring. It was him. We've talked occasionally and seen each other only socially over the last six months. No detail, just friendly chat. The kind of contact you're supposed to have with a guy it took you a year to get over. Short, sweet and not at all emotional, adorable or caring. It worked. I got over it, finally. I found a new crush. Went out with others; a doctor, a banker, a soldier. All has been well.

"Hi, how are you?"

"Hi.... haven't heard from you in a while."

"Yeah, I know."

"What's new?"

Did the little catch-up-before-we-can-get-to-the-real-reason-I-called game here.

"Well, do you have a minute?"

"Sure, I'm just walking in the door."

"Well, I just wanted to call... and say..."

"Is everything okay? Are you okay?" Always the caring person, I am.

"Yeah, yeah... I'm good. Nothing's wrong. You're always so sweet. You're just too nice."

"Well, just making sure."

"Look, I just wanted to call you and tell you I'm sorry."

"Sorry?"

"Yeah."

"For what?"

"For letting distance come between us. You've always been so good to me and I am stupid for not seeing that."

"Uhhh, okay. What are you talking about?"

"I just mean I let the opinions of someone else make my decisions for me. Even when it felt wrong, I did it. And I'm sorry. "

"... okay, I'm not quite sure what to say."

"You don't have to say anything, really. I just wanted you to know. I guess, I guess I just missed having certain things in my life and it was time to let you know."

"Well... I, I don't know. I'm a little stunned." Stunned would be putting it mildly.

"Look, I know, and I'm sorry. And I wanted you to know that. And as for Mary, we have been finished for a very long time."

"Okay..."

"Not that that's supposed to mean anything to you. I just wanted you to know that I've made up my mind. It was wrong. It always was."

"Okay, so what? I feel like you're calling me because you're bored."

"No, not at all. Please, please don't think that."

"Well, either that or you've joined AA and you're in the 'making amends' step?"

Laughing. "No, not quite. I knew this would be weird. But it felt wrong to not apologize."

"Alright, well, thanks."

"Okay. Well, I would like to get together, if you can."

"I don't know."

"Look, no pressure. I just missed out on some things when I was wrapped up in all that and I feel like I have some making up to do. Not just with you, with a lot."

"I still don't know."

"Okay."

"I'll call you soon, okay?"

"Okay. I hope so."

"I will."


And honestly, I don't know if I can. I don't know if being over someone and only thinking of them on occasion can be permanent if you start seeing them again. Are you better now? Are your glasses clearer? Are you ever really over them?

He never knew of my real feelings. He never knew that I found his shoulder so comfortable. He never knew that all those times we were in a crowd, I'd wish it could have only been the two of us. He didn't do anything to me; he wasn't unkind or harsh. The only thing he didn't do is have the same feelings I did, at the same time.

So when I think about having dinner, about sitting across the table from him trying to catch up on life, I just don't know.

16 comments:

Sister Buckle said...

Aaaaaargh.
Not just to catch up. That would be painful.
I think he'll have to be a little more articulate than that if he really wants you to put your heart on the line.
Aaarrrgh.
I wouldn't want to be friends. Damn the exes to HELL.
Good interrogation techniques on the phone there though.
Man, I dunno. I think I would also be very nervous about giving up my brain again, since he had a tendancy to take up your brain real-estate.
Damn attractive fellas. Damn.

GirlGoyle said...

"Are you ever really over them?" The million dollar question. I guess sometimes you are over them and other times they go away for a while, and then creep back up on you like a bad case of the flu. I guess in a way it's commendable that he called to apologize. If he didn't care he would've moved on even without Mary. I'm not helping am I? LOL Sorry...I'm a sucker.

Anonymous said...

It's never the same. You can go to dinner and sparks may even fly at first....but all those things that were sorta almost cute and tolerable...this time...they will annoy the crap out of you because you have already been to the other side. Good luck. Maybe there weren't any of those "things". Maybe just go slow. But what about lunch date guy and running guy and the fireman?!?! date them too?

Mostly I have no clue either.

JustRun said...

SB- I think you hit it. It's probably brain vs. heart here and I'm not sure which way I'm leaning yet.

GG- It's okay, so am I. :)

JustRun said...

RGF- How did you sneak in there?!

You may be right... I think, in the end, I'm probably just going to have to see for myself. I will wonder until I do.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you're having boy issues. We really don’t mean to cause any trouble.

:)

Bre said...

See, I'm torn and it's not even my actual life. The hopeless romantic in me says "try one more time, great love stories were never easy roads!" but the realist in me, who has been there far too many times for my liking, says, "no way!"

I hope you make the best decision for you!

justacoolcat said...

Tough call, but you handled it well. Suprises are one of the many reasons I got out of the habit of answering the telephone. It's so much easier to return a message.

deepThoughts said...

Aaaww..this is hard.

Just when you think it's over, it starts all over again. Whatever you choose, I hope you don't get hurt again.

Ginger Breadman said...

I think . . he did know . . about all those feelings you had - if it's the kind of connection you're talking about, how could he not have known somehow deep inside? But maybe there was just some part of the relationship with Mary he was stuck on, and it would've been a ruining distraction for you and him at the time. Maybe it's fate that he's calling now, and he really, honestly realized what his heart felt. And maybe you have been out fishing and seen what was out there enough to make a better decision of what you want now. Maybe you could hang out and talk with him and you'll know right away if it's right or wrong. Maybe if you test it out - those old feelings will be completely gone or completely solidified. But you'll always wonder unless you give yourself the chance to find out. I didn't help at all, did I? Dang, this is a tough one.

Dawn said...

When I broke up with the last guy, my dad told me that a man will pursue what he wants...he can't be stopped.

If he wants to pursue, let him. Let him do all the work before trying to make up your mind.

justrun said...

Josh- I think some of you don't. Others, I'm not so sure. :)

Bre- I am a hopeless romantic, too. Believe me, it's always in the back of my mind whether I acknowledge it or not.

JACC- Good advice.

DT- Yeah, and I do it all on my own. At least last time I did.

Ginger- You just typed out all the "maybe's" that went through my head last night. I'm hoping time = clarity in this case.

Dawn- I think that's the difference now: I know better. Good advice.

singleton said...

Sorry is the word I always slip on. It gets me.

anne said...

Thanks for the comment. Mine to you - be careful! My opinion is whatever was wrong the first time will come back the second (and the third, fourth and fifth). It doesn't ever change. Just be careful.
Finally, checking out previous posts....enjoyed them very much and my first date with my man was lunch. It led to all those good things and more. Good luck on that one! Let us know updates.....

Nicole said...

First let me say I suck in relationships.
I think you can get over people but I think the only way you know you are over them is by seeing them. I'm not suggesting you see him but I don't know.
If he is really that great for you maybe he just now realized it - men are slow. Maybe it is worth a second chance but know that there might be a lot of heartache and only you can deciede if it is worth the risk.
Listen to your gut you'll know what is best.

Danielle said...

I agree on the only really knowing you are over them is to see them. It's a tough call, it sucks that boys have to do this, not all of them, but some...I have a feeling he probably did know, and that's why he was calling. Why else would he feel a need to say sorry? I'm sure you're thinking, has he realized I'm the one and he wants to see what might happen but was too scared to say it on the phone...you'll always wonder and compare and think about it going forward if you don't meet up with him...but how about the lunch date? It's always nice to have another guy semi staring in the picture in situations like that!!