Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

I don't think I've ever written a "true" journal entry here. Today is different. Today, I have something I absolutely CANNOT get off my mind and I have no idea how to write about it.

I can't think of anything coherent or sensible to say about this which, of course, should clue you in that it's about a boy. And not just any boy, but one I can't get over- ha! Imagine that! We met a few years ago and if I'm going to be completely honest, I've adored him ever since. I can't think of anyone who's taken up more of my time than him. Sick, isn't it?

Nonetheless, I can't let him go. And I need to. God, I need to. I need to realize that if he really wanted me now, I would know it. If he woke up one morning and realized he couldn't go another day without me, he would have told me by now. Stupid girl, just realize. I wish!

The thing is, we are SUCH good friends. We talk like we're cut from the same cloth. We get along famously- serious, it should be in history books. I'm quite certain that the way we share opinions, communicate without words and feel so comfortable around each other that we can talk about everything from real estate to poop without blinking is history-making stuff. I'm certain of it. He's everything I'd ever want in a friend, except for the fact that I luuuuuuuv him. Crap, I hate to even type it!

We have similar hobbies- the running, the biking, the skiing, the hanging out with friends, the movies we watch, the places we go, the traveling we want to do, the fierce money management, the jokes we tell, the politics. And yet, we compliment each other so well- I've gotten him to try new food, he's gotten me to try new trails. We give each other courage or bravery or stupidity or something and it's awesome. So awesome.

When I was younger, I dreamed of a person that would get my attention right away. Someone who would make me feel cozy and warm and give me chills at the same time. I dreamed of someone who would "get" me, who would laugh with me, who would stay with me and though I let that go, it's now exactly what I have here. Damn! Just makes me want to say curse words and scream. "WHY?!" Why, when I fall asleep on his couch with his hand on my leg do I fight sleep with every part of my mind and body just so I can have one more memory of the feeling of us together? Why, when he sees me and smiles do I not even care that I look like a complete idiot smiling back? Why, when he tells me I look nice, does it make every insecurity and worry I have about the size of my butt and the flatness of my hair just disappear? WHY?!?

You might ask: Why haven't you gone out with him? What's the hold up? Well, truth time now. He's not over his ex. And, to add more truth to that, I'm not sure he ever will be. I know this girl and she's great. She's kind and innocent and just as normal as the rest of us. But it's SO friecken obvious to me that they are just not right for each other. Them together was never right and though they'll both admit it, they hang on. And I, of course, am silent. I try not to think about it, or him, or her. For about eight months, I actually succeeded. I was able to separate the thought of the two of them from thoughts about the two of us. And it seems so stupid for me to hang on, too. I know I deserve someone who realizes they want to be with me and me only.

Now though, it's different. Now we've spent time together again and I've fallen back into whatever it is that I'm "in" when I can't get him out of my mind. And it's not just the "I am so attracted to him, I want him now" kind of thoughts. It's the "he knows my drink and orders it for me before I even sit down" and "I count him as a blessing in my life" sort of thoughts. Being around him makes me believe that the whole package is possible and damnit if, now that I've seen it, I want that whole package! Trouble is, that package was sent to the wrong address and it appears no one but me has noticed. Crappy, I tell you.

Yeah, I don't know what to do about this. I just want it to go away. Let it go. I just don't know what to do.

I think having a drink is in order, now. Which, if he were here, would have already been poured right now.



Bre said...

Ok, so, disgusting admission, I actually own the book "He's Just Not That Into You."

AND I actually read it.

Anyway, the one thing that resonates from it is this: "don't waste the pretty."

It's wonderful that he's such a superb friend for you, and that he makes you happy, but don't limit yourself by focusing on what might be in the future with him. You owe it to yourself to take every opportunity.

And yes, that's WAY easier said than done, but you don't need to be his rebound from his relationship with his ex - you deserve more!

Good luck!

JustRun said...

In my mind, I know you're right. And hopefully, in time, the rest of me will know it too.

Thanks for your thoughtfulness.

deepThoughts said...

That must have taken a lot of courage to write.

I read your entry last night and didn't really know what to write to you. Part of me wanted to advise you, another part wanted to reduce the hurt by saying kind words. But, you know what, Bre is right - don't limit yourself - you do deserve more.

Joe said...

You need to write "true" posts more often. This entry was fanfuckingtastic. My guts ripped out at the end. "Which, if he were here, would have already been poured right now." Brilliant. NOT take this the wrong way at all, but this guy is not even possibly gay, right? I know you said he's not over his ex...but as a gay man myself that can TOTALLY identify with the type of friendship that you have with him...I mean...he's your perfect compliment. And so am I to a handful of my straight girlfriends.

Whether or not isn't really the issue here...I think being in your position is all consuming and incredibly painful. But at the same time, it's loving hard and most people would kill for that feeling.

As you must be full aware...if it's meant to know it will happen. Sounds like you're handling it perfectly.

If he's not gay, then chemistry like this is rare and you will connect on this level in the future.

So sayeth the big mouth (me)! ;)

Again, amazing post. I haven't felt the need to leave a diatribe on someone's site in a while. heh.

justrun said...

You guys are so great.

Bre- I know you must be right.

DT- Don't worry. Whatever you write is what I need to read.

Joe- Joe, Joe, Joe... thank you. The truth is, I don't know for sure. I do, however, believe you're the brilliant one.

GirlGoyle said...

OMG...for a second I thought you were looking into my life. Heh! When you find the answer...let me know. I'll be right behind ya.