Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Action plans need not apply

I'm going through one of those odd periods where there's about a million things going on and a million more floating around in my head and I can't seem to categorize, prioritize or quantify any one of them. I know you don't know me but trust me when I say, it's extremely rare that I can't find words. I talk early (except for first thing in the morning because there is just no reason for that), often and, on occasion, quite loudly. I write things like documents and reports and emails all day that explain things to people. I then go home and work on articles, talk on the phone and meet friends or family and rarely am I at a loss for what to say. I go and read other blogs and comment on them in a way I believe is coherent and sometimes even thoughtful. And yet, I can't seem to talk about me. I try over and over to put it together and it just isn't working.

Random thoughts are just flying around with no real purpose and I'm really making an effort to figure out why. Then, I get too exhausted, I go for a little run, I get more exhausted and then go to bed. Yet I wake up feeling stuck. Nothing feels resolved or settled anymore. It's like life is up in the air and I can't figure out why. I haven't changed. Things are going well. I get to have fun trips and new adventures. What gives?

Stifled. That's sort of how I feel. I feel like I need something. Maybe something new. I need a new challenge or task. I need something to wake me up and renew my spirit a little. I need something to talk about other than knee pain, databases and my dog. I want to get excited about something I've never been excited about before. I just can't figure out what that is.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling this way. I'm so fortunate, I should have no complaints. Can I work? Yes. Can I have fun? Yes. Can I pay my bills? Yes. Can I travel? Yes. Can I run? Yes, finally! Am I loved? Yes. Am I respected? Yes. Am I fulfilled? Eh, not exactly sure.

So I guess that's where it lies. I made a comment on a couple of different blogs today about the struggle I have with accepting the fact that our lives are not efficient. I believe that's how we're created; complicated, confusing and imperfect. Fact is though, I also believe it's my nature to fight that. I am an action person. I see a problem, seek understanding and then go about repairing the problem. It's an effective approach, for sure. Unfortunately, it's not fool proof. It doesn't account for bumps in the road, detours and dead ends. It's a plan that has no room for growth, change and learning to have faith. It doesn't allow for inefficiencies. The action is only fulfilling if I get the desired result. If I can't get there, I'm stifled.

I'm not sure how I'll handle this. I'm not sure I have a plan B. I suppose the answer, like so many, lies in acceptance. It lies in me finding a way to juggle the balls that are what I know, what I believe, what is and the fear of getting to a place where it can all make a little more sense than it does today. At the same time, I know that figuring it out isn't guaranteed. At some point, I'm going to have to figure some things out, accept others and have faith in the in between.


Sister Buckle said...

I think you're waiting for the same 'bang' I'm waiting for.

All this anticipation is making me rusty for whatever the hell it is I'll have to do when the bang finally happens.

Arrrgh and double aaargh!

Sizzle said...

i hear ya.

backofpack said...

Maybe it's...complacency? We get too comfortable and too settled and we start waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes when it does drop, it's not so fun or exciting, but it reminds us to be thankful for what we have. I don't know -it's getting late for this early am runner and I can't think!

JustRun said...

SB- Yes. A bang. One here, please.

Sizzle- Ugh, you know?

Michelle- No, you're thinking. You might have something with that. I'll have to think about it.

GirlGoyle said...

funny you should mention this. are we ever really happy and fulfilled. i guess not. then again,if we were we would have nothing else to strive for. maybe you just need a new hobby. or...chocolate always helps. :)

justacoolcat said...

I hate being overwhelmed. I like breaking things into small manageable chunks that I can use an itteritive approach at finishing. Otherwise, I tend to spin my wheels.

Just keep plugging away.

olga said...

I came by from Craig's and can't believe what I had been missing out on - so much thinking material, I'll take my time to digest.