Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Where Am I?

So often lately, I'm hung up on wondering if I'm in the right place.

Like today, I caught myself just staring at the wallpaper on my computer screen for several minutes on end. I'm distracted, but by what? I'm not even sure. I like my work enough, but it's not keeping my attention right now. And I wonder if there are jobs you never tire of? I wonder if even the heart surgeon or the concert pianist ever just wish they could try something else for a while. Do arteries and notes get old? Or, do you just get better at saving and touching lives without stopping to ask yourself if you're in the right place?

Is liking your job and loving what it affords you good enough? Is pushing forward with something because it's right going to sustain you through those hard times? I wonder. I want to think that this step is just one before something even better. After all, the last one was. I want to think that finding a balance between my life as a professional and an academic* and my undeniable desire to become a beach bum is a goal worth working toward. But I also want to know that it's possible. I want to love all those roles equally, yet for completely different reasons.

And through it all, I want to keep faith. I want to be able to feel that this balance and this striving is really just a small task compared to what may come. I want to feel like trying to figure out how all these pieces fit together is just part of building a better foundation for later.

That, I suppose, is the most difficult admission for me because it is hard to keep faith; this may be the one case in life in which I am not a quick study. I want something more but I want the reassurance that what I feel is right, really is.

I'm trying. I remind myself often that life and decisions may loom over me constantly but it doesn't mean I have to figure it all out right now. The times I feel like I'm not doing enough, I have to remember that maybe I am. Maybe just sitting here, staring into space, is enough for the moment. It's not a waste, it's just a few minutes to sit with myself and dig up that faith that's been buried by confusion and change.

I don't know how to tell if I'm in the right place, heading in the right direction. I don't know what kind of impact the decisions I make today are going to have on tomorrow, or next week, or next year. I have no idea how to see what's around the corner from now, but I'm just hoping that right here might be as good a place as any to start to look.

*I think calling myself an academic seems quite presumptuous. However, it seems I'm past the age of calling myself a student and still too young to be a scholar. So academic it is.


jackt said...

You are not alone. Everyone gets doubts every once in a while because nobody can see the future. Have a good weekend!

Ginger Breadman said...

Deep thoughts. It is okay to 'just be'. You don't have to know where you're going or how to get there - that'd be boring, and way too easy.

GirlGoyle said...

Funny you should bring this topic up. I find myself in the same place wondering if the sacrifice I make every day will some day be rewarded by something better and some peace of mind. If I could look in the crystal ball to assure myself that the path I have taken, for as ardous as it may be, is the right one. Lately I'm beginning to think that it is not. I am content with my lifestyle and what the job affords me but the price to pay is becoming a bit too heavy. All i want is the feeling of wanting to go to work in the morning as opposed to dreading it. Maybe we've reached a burn out point. Maybe it's time you play the beach bum for a bit in order to re-energize. Maybe..maybe..maybe.

Runner Girl FL said...

I got a good place for you and gg to try some beach bumming!! Sometimes it is fun to live where other people vacation. Then I try to drive somewhere and I think "Don't they know that we are NOT ALL here on vacation...keep moving" :)

I figure as long as I like my job and love the people I work with and can make the bills I'm happier than I would be with a bigger $$ high pressure job.

Note: IF I ever win the lottery..."the big one" I'm going to be that scholar. I guess I should but tix to hope to win.

Bre said...

You are not alone, cause I don't have a freaking clue myself. But if you spot one, let me know - I'm usually quite good at figuring out mysteries before the end of the movie! :)

justacoolcat said...

Well put.

"feel like I'm not doing enough, I have to remember that maybe I am. Maybe just sitting here, staring into space, is enough for the moment"

You have no idea how long it took me to figure out that lesson.

Neil said...

I would think there would be something wrong if you didn't have these thoughts once in a while. How is anyone to really know their path is the ideal one?

And I have a feeling you would be totally bored as a beach bum.

Celina said...

Can't we all relate! As I'm finishing up my Masters (in December, YAY) I can't help but worry/contemplate where I will be...NEXT YEAR! Not in Mississippi, that's for sure, but beyond that, WHO KNOWS?
But, you're right, it's all about the FAITH that what we're doing RIGHT NOW is paving the path for what WILL BE!

justrun said...

Jack- Yeah, I suppose doubt is an equal opportunity invader.

Ginger- Yes, 'just be' is probably the best plan of them all.

GG- I don't dread work so much as I can't conctrate on it. I hate to think "burn out" but maybe you're right.

RGF- I will be in your neck of the woods in less than a month. I will be in the way on the highway; please accept my apology now.

Bre- Mystery, indeed.

CoolCat- More than 26 years? If so, I am in more trouble than I thought.

Neil- I'm still willing to try.

Celina- I guess we're all more the same then we are different.

Thanks, all!