Thursday, August 16, 2007

This would all be much easier if he would just say "here is a picture of my boat"

I am notorious for being the girl that has no idea she's being hit on. I meet someone, talk with them, laugh with them, laugh at stupid jokes (because they're funny, duh), graciously accept compliments and all the while have no idea that someone might actually be flirting with me. Unless it's those sixty year old men, they're pretty obvious. And no, not in a good way.

Now, don't get me wrong, I can do my share of flirting. I am very aware of this. I have tried and true flirting practices that even when minimally successful, get the job done. Or at least in my mind, they do. It's sort of like a hobby, even when it's bad, it's good. Or a bad habit, but we'll not go there.

But then there's me, not as the flirter but the flirtee. I used to be almost afraid of flirting, or being flirted with, rather. I didn't know what to say or where to look and, my gosh, when did my hands start getting in the way all the time so I'd just sort of play along and hope for the best. Then sixth grade graduation came (ha! Exaggerating. A little.) and something magically happened to me (hormones?) and I was no longer afraid of it. Rather, I became oblivious to it.

Now we all know I don't go around the Internet talkin' up the dates and what not, that's just not me. First, some things are just mine and second, well the "line at my door" my grandma always used to talk about just, ummm, how do you say... isn't. Nonetheless, we carry on. Or at least I think I do. And I go to coffee shops and happy hours and running events and travel and hang out with my friends and always end up hearing phrases like "what's wrong with you? That guy was totally flirting with you!" And I'm all "Wha? Huh?" And my friends are all "Uhh, yeah." And then they smack me and then we all laugh at me. Because it's funny, except when it's later and I think about it. I question myself and think oh no, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I usually come to the conclusion that nothing is really wrong, as I don't really believe in "fixing" these kinds of things. Addictions? Yes. Bad habits? Yes. I'm all for self-improvement. But personality? Eh, I don't know. I mean, yes, I could be more aware. But I usually feel I'm aware every day. A few days ago I noticed the woman at the toll booth got her hair cut and I don't even use that toll booth. I notice things. Just not this.

So guess I could ask what you would do? How do you know someone's hitting on you? How do you "hit back?"

I'm expecting some earth-shattering answers here, really. Because as of now I'm just going with the assumption that some people just haven't been good flirters with me. Yeah, I'll let you know how that approach works out.

24 comments:

The Exception said...

I am so hoping you get some great answers as this is totally me too. Unless the guy is truly obvious - like telling me he will call etc, I just don't get it!! It frustrates me. But then again, I figure, I notice the guy flirt when the chemistry is there and I am interested in him too, so... maybe all is not lost? Maybe I am not hopeless?

I do hope you get some answers...!

Sizzle said...

i am a huge flirt but getting that someone is flirting WITH me? clueless! i think sometimes it is more fun to not actually realize they are flirting with you because for me, i'd get nervous thinking a certain response was required.

e.b. said...

i think sizzle is right - it is better not to know and just play along and be yourself. that is what is going to win them over anyway!

AaroN said...

Does it mean that if someone is hitting on you and you aren't picking up on it, then you aren't as attracted to them as they are you? Or you're just not interested? Or you need a special invitation to feel compelled to make out with a complete stranger? :D

brookem said...

geeze, im right there too! i like to flirt and know what i do to flirt, but im not so sure i really "get it" when im being flirted with. hmm...

Sempre Libera said...

That is a tough one... I have just as often been very aware that I'm being hit on, as I have been oblivious to it, or (most embarrassing) imagined I was being hit on when I wasn't.

My guess is that if a guy initiates the conversation, and you are friendly and flirty in return -- and I get the sense that this comes naturally to you -- then you're not really doing anything wrong. Maybe look for certain clear cues that differentiate between friendly and flirty: compliments on your looks, reaching out to touch you briefly, focusing on just you for a long period of time, that type of thing.

If that's the case then it's a good bet you're being hit on, and I don't see why the guy wouldn't ask for a number or something. Some guys take a little prodding though (and really, why should they be the only ones to do the asking?). So maybe you could test-drive a few leading questions/invitations of your own. If he bites, he's definitely interested.

Sempre Libera said...

Oh and incidentally, flirting back is ALL about body language. The conversation doesn't have to be that different from one you'd have with a friend (in the sense that it should be just as fun!), but you'd be amazed at how far a few subtle physical cues will take you. They're not hard to do but they do take a little bit of conscious thought.

sue said...

Seeing as I've been "off the market" for more years than I can count, I'm just gonna sit here and listen, 'kay?

egan said...

I think I could tell based on the interest level of the individual. If they seemed to take a geniune interest in my life. I was in your camp until about 23 years old. Then I started noticing tiny mannerisms the opposite sex would do to tip me off. Such as hair adjustments, licking the lips, nervous facial expressions, and a slight uneasiness around me. I hope this helps.

Joe said...

> How do you know someone's hitting on you?

I always know. I must have some sort of chemical receptors that detect flirting.

> How do you "hit back?"

I smile. Sometimes I even wink. ;-)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh man, seeing as I have been married for about 150 years, I can barely remember. Then again I can't remember what I just walked into the room to do either.

Dawn said...

I'm pretty much a sucky flirty...I'm chatty. But equally chatty...guys or girls...attrated or not.

I should probably do better huh?

brandy said...

Ahh, how I relate to this. When I was in highschool, the CUTEST guy had a locker next to mine. He was always pulling practical jokes (like putting white out on my lock so I had to scrap it all off before I could open it) and bumping into me in the hall. One day I got so mad at him I started crying and asked why he was always so mean to me. He looked like I kicked him in the junk and told me he was flirting with me because he liked me.

Let's just say I felt like a tool. And the best part? If I knew everything I know now, and was back in highschool, I probably would still think he was being mean to me.

I need to work on understanding flirting. If you figure out how to spot it, let me know, okay?

Nat said...

I think I'm dumb when it comes to flirting and have just decided to act like me. Sounds dumb but I've realized flirting isn't me so I can't pretend!

runliarun said...

I don't think there is such an entity as flirtee. I think flirting is a two-way street. I think to a certain extent women can flirt back without thinking about it, it's purely instinctive.

And of course there is nothing wrong with you. The fact that you can engage in the exchange without paying attention to the whole flirting issue simply means to me that you do not see every bearer of the XY chromosome pair as a potential mate, and that is a sane attitude.

I mean, you can't have them all, can you? Just kidding.

I mean when the guy you can't live without is going to hit on you, believe me, you'll know.

Unless he's one of the quiet types who will grow on you very slowly :).

appletini said...

I think is so cute that you don't know when someone is flirting with you.

Well, I love to flirt. And I'm pretty good at noticing body language...so I'll let you know about that :)

First you can notice when a guy likes you when he first looks at you. His pupils/eyes get larger for a slight moment and he makes lots of eye contact.

His body is uaually turned into you and his voice changes....into kind of a "rico suave" kind of voice. Well, not so much like that, but it does change. Men speak to women they are attracted to in a different tone of voice.

Some men lick their licks, other's lips shake, and they tend to be very animated.

He is definitely interested in ypu if he wants to learn more about you. I hope this helps :)

Danielle said...

I'm almost kind of like you in a way...although not necessarily on the flirting, just the not noticing if a guy is noticing me. My mom (well she's my mom so I never take her seriouslY) always says guys are looking at me, my dad too, but then a girlfriend has often said I never notice guys looking...but that's just looking. When it comes to flirting, that's another level.

Typically if a guy is flirting and interested, you can tell for sure by touching them on the arm or something, and they will touch you on the arm back. One great hint, if you are at a bar, and talking and the guy says he has to go to the bathroom, but will be right back, and touches you on the arm to make sure you are hearing him, that's a definite sign. When they smile a lot, and move in closer to you, another sign, buying you a drink (or offering to buy you a drink)...and the biggie, asking for your number and actually calling!

I tend to take everything on a case by case basis, and some things to be lesser than others, because I know I'm a bit of a flirt and I'll flirt with everyone, and I have to assume not every guy means anything by flirting (heck, I had all the signs coming from one guy and he never asked for my number, people around us knew I was flirting with him and tried to "help" over a period of time and nothing ever happened...but that's OK). You can always put it out there though if you are talking and enjoying things, I've sometimes, even after long flirtation, been surprised when my number is asked for...

Bre said...

I am a huge flirt, so I'm pretty much always flirting, but quite honestly I'm a body language expert - I've had to learn how to read that for work, and now I do the same at the bar!

skinnylittleblonde said...

Lol...I have been right there with ya! I don't know when someone is flirting or just being nice and usually when I think they are flirting, it's only because they are being vulgar & I'm repelled. Lol.
the only way I truly no how to flirt, other than the superficial 'Excuse are you Rick?' from my younger days, is to say 'God, I wish I knew how to flirt better.' to the person I want to flirt with. hahaha...evidence that I suck at flirting!
But BRE sounds like she could enlighten us!

Thomas said...

Maybe we should all start flirting here? You know, to model behavior.

Sister Buckle said...

I only really flirt cheekily with unavailable men - I just find that funnier because there's no pressure and it's just like a joke thing.

When everyone's single I have a similar reaction to yours - I don't notice the guy is flirting. I do not think there's anything wrong with that. They tell jokes and talk about things and if he is cool then I find the jokes funny and listen to his banter.

Fortunately, we are women and if they dude knows what's good for him, he'll have one of those interior monologues going where he says "Ok, she's really great. She is not desperate to jump me so I'm going to try and impress her more. To do this, I will need to see her again..." and that's when he has to ask you out or whatever. It's an extremely gendered outlook, but it's in our favour so - let it be!

See, by being natural (and oblivious) I truly think you end up with more suitable guys than when you're trying really hard. And you seem cooler too.

Airam said...

I have nothing to offer unfortunately ... I'm exactly like you are in this respect.

singleton said...

Awww, hell I think it's great that you don't know when they're flirting with you....so you just keep on doing it your way, being you.....
Anybody can flirt a man up, pull 'em in with all those finerys and trickerys, but girl, you snag 'em with just you being you and you just might find a keeper!

You got me smiling!

justacoolcat said...

Maybe it's a common thing that us flirters can't tell when we're being flirted with . . .

I know I always had the same problem back in my single days.