Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Welcome mat

Alright, fine. It has come to this. It has come to another end to another day where I can't seem to find enough time. I am overwhelmed. It's these times I feel like I'm not being a good enough... anything (insert the following terms: friend, employee, daughter, sister, runner, dog owner, etc.).

I walked around all day feeling as though I was in a bubble. Several times I had to stop myself to check and see if I was dizzy. Was the room spinning? Was I spinning? My mind feels clogged. Nothing seems to settle it. I hate that feeling.

I think it's fear. It's got to be. It's fear making a short visit and I've got to figure out how to entertain it without letting it take over my life. I recently turned down a promotion, you see. Sure, promotions are good and include many good things like more responsibility, better titles and, of course, more money. But after a week of thinking it over, I just couldn't get my head around the idea that I wanted it. Because I didn't.

And when people asked why, all I could say is "it just isn't right." People do not understand this. They get that 'does not compute' look on their faces and stare at me as though I've lost my mind. It's the only answer I have, though. My heart is just not in it. At some point, you come to realizations about what you want for your life. And despite having to pay for school and my ever-persistent beach habit, money is not everything. My heart, however, is. It took me the full week in limbo to become comfortable with saying that.

This decision is helped by school. I'm not going to school to move up in my current line of work. Yes, I could use this education to do so but that's not my goal. Many people don't know this. They haven't asked, but I don't advertise, either. It's difficult to express to them that although I may be doing very good work and being a good employee (who gets offered promotions, hello!) that I want more. I am not going to be that person that tells someone that while they may be very happy with their job, well it's just not good enough for me. So I keep my mouth shut.

All the while, as I maintain my silence and hope and pray that I am making the right decisions, I feel very alone. Yes, I have friends and family that know about my goals and support me but no one is in my head, or my heart. No one really knows this feeling, this need. I know that it is impossible for anyone to completely understand, but it feels very lonely. Lonely is the welcome mat for fear, and fear is coming in. In fact, it's having its own personal wrestling match with sanity. My sanity.

No, of course I am not going to lose my mind over this. Of course I know it's the right thing to do and even if things work out much different than I plan (damn good odds there, right?) I still need to follow this road. I would much rather try than go along with something where I'm okay but not fulfilled. I can sleep at night knowing I at least tried. I can do that. It's just some days, well, it's really hard to feel like you're living on nothing but a dream.

20 comments:

Backofpack said...

This reminds me of how I felt when we decided to homeschool and everyone around me was critical of the decision. They just couldn't get it. All I can say is persevere - you know what you are after and that is what counts.

By the way, sometimes that "does not compute" look is really an "I wish I were that comfortable in myself" look. Stunned, yes, but because there are so few people who really stick to their guns. Way to go!

Sizzle said...

you, my friend, have all the makings of a woman who can and will make her dreams come true. you know this.

"lonely is the welcome mat for fear" is SO true. this too shall pass. hang on to that gut feeling- you are on your way to something better.

when i first moved and was unemployed and being offered many jobs that i continually turned down my loved ones questioned my sanity. but none of them "felt" right. you know you better than anyone. stay true to that. the rest will follow.

Bre said...

I agree with Sizz onehundredandten percent! You can make your dreams come true!

I live on a daily dream, but the good news is that the dream is always worth it!

OC said...

I admire you. It takes courage and confidence to know what you want and what you are doing (even if you might question yourself along the way). Taking risks are scary... good for you.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You are very brave for having the conviction to take the path that you know is ultimately right for you. And I think it may feel lonely because so many others compromise instead. You are doing the right thing.

Sempre Libera said...

Good for you that you're sticking to your dream. Just because an opportunity arises doesn't always mean we should take it, because it's not always the right one. Hang in there!

justrun said...

Phew! Thanks, ladies. Your words really do mean so much.

The Exception said...

Some people strive for the promotion. They don't understand that there is more to life and being happy than knowing your heart and following your own dreams etc - and that it might not mean a promotion to "that" job.

I have never heard someone turn down a promotion. In my company, they just don't mean much anyway.

I think it is strong and admirable that you looked at what you wanted, thought about the job, and danced to your own drummer. That is exceptional!

runliarun said...

"It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."

Ralph Waldo Emerson
Self-Reliance

e.b. said...

Oh I think my comment is lost. Geez and it was long and good.

justacoolcat said...

Living on dreams is like living on junk food. It may taste great, they when it boils down to it they are empty calories.

It's after all the hard work is said and done when the dreams come true that they become substantial. Don't forget to stop and smell the roses and appreaciate the little things (Something I know you're good at)Those are the carbs that'll keep you running.

sue said...

Gotta go with the gut... every time. Only YOU know what is right ultimately for YOU. Fear? Ah... I think people who have no fear are the truly insane ones.

justrun said...

Exception- Let's hope the drummer doesn't stop drumming then, eh?

Lia- Thank you.

e.b.- It may still show up on my side. I'll check.

JACC- Funny, it doesn't feel like junk food. I think I see what you mean, though.

Sue- I certainly don't know how not to have it, so let's hope that's true.

Cravey said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
justrun said...

Cravey- Sorry about your comment. It was an innocent bystander, not intentional. Eeek, sorry!

appletini said...

Wow, I am proud of you. GOOD for you that you are going with your heart....not very many people can say that when there is money involved :)

GirlGoyle said...

may not be consoling coming from a stranger but you really aren't alone in all this. Take it from the Ace of all trades and the master at none. Plus promotions aren't always good. It's not always about the money.

Danielle said...

Hey, you know what you want and only you can know what you want. Promotions are great, but if it's not right, hey, look, you get the ability to say you turned down a promotin, which probably means there is something bigger and better out there for you.

As for school not being for more money, that's great. Fantastic even. Just like you can't lose weight for someone, or make any other types of improvements of yourself for someone else, it all has to be for yourself, because you want to make the change, I truly believe that education is the same way. Lots of people go to school only so they can make more money, get a better job or what not, it's not for job fulfillment or to better themselves...I relate because yeah, I'll most likely end up with more money from my MBA, but it's not about that...it's about me, doing something for me, educating myself as it should be.

ROGERSBIZ said...

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