Monday, July 09, 2007

Dancing

It started almost as soon as we were dancing. We’d talked a little before but the conversation continued on the wood floor. It was a slow dance, as all the sweetest ones are, and the music was low. It allowed for time to talk, to joke and laugh a little. It was just small stuff, but in my mind, things were jumping ahead.

I knew his name, his work, some of his friends. The ball started rolling. I wondered if we liked the same things. Did we share beliefs? Backgrounds? It all started flooding in.

It continued on the drive home. I started the list, the list of the few but important things that mean the difference between interested and not. And then, I freaked out, which had nothing to do with him, or anyone, for that matter. It was just me.

I was not surprised by this, really. You just start to wonder. How will a person fit into my life? How will that work? Can any person fit into my life? Will they be up for all that entails? And how can I fit into their life? It sounds like panic, but I justify it by calling myself a planner. To me, it's smart. Did I need to be doing the planning right then? No. But I'm somewhat glad I think that way anyway. Long gone are the days when I don't need someone to "get it" to be with them. Understanding is more important than I used to think. For lack of better wording, I have things I need to do right now and though I'm not afraid to put it out on the table, I'm also not willing to give up on what, to me, is a very possible dream.

And I know all those things about “the right person, right place, right time.” I know we don’t give up dreams for people or people for dreams. I know there is such thing as happiness and compromise. I know all this. I know we always have a choice. Still, it makes me wonder (and freak out a little). My mind wrestles between the enormity of possibility and the desire to see another chair filled at the dinner table.

The things that seemed ideal a year or two ago are no longer. People don’t seem to get that, how things can change. Or maybe it’s my mind that changed, I don’t know. What I do know is I can’t compromise some things right now. There’s too much riding on what might be, what dreams combined with planning and serious intent could bring. I can’t stop that now.

It’s strange what a dance can do. The thoughts that cross your mind when you move in a circle close to another person, with their hand on your back and their breath on your shoulder. It’s no reason to freak out, though. It’s no reason to worry about giving anything up or changing your life. You can’t think about what you’ll say when the phone rings or how you’ll say it.

I know I don’t need to worry about it. I can’t. I know things work out and life goes on and in spite of momentary breakdowns or lapses of calm, everything is going to be just fine. I don’t need to think about it. It was just a dance, and the dance was pretty good.

17 comments:

Sizzle said...

it's human nature to jump ahead like that i think. i am trying very hard to learn to just "be" and not over-plan my life. enjoy the moment and all that. :) it's not easy!

e.b. said...

I also think that when it is right it does not feel like compromise. But more than that things have a way of working themselves out - especially when it is right. The freaking out part becomes greatly diminished.

Bre said...

My biggest fault is looking too far ahead and then taking insanely large emotional leaps because maybe fairy tales do exist!

And then once I snap out of it I'm back to looking for a dance partner

Airam said...

I do the same thing. I think too analytically about something far too soon. And I freak out too. Even when there is no guy in the picture!

justrun said...

That's just the thing, guys (gals), I think I'm more afraid of having to "exchange" something than of just living like I am now. I'm fine with right now.

The Exception said...

When it is right, it all works itself out - and you find options that you never would see otherwise. It does work.

But hey, don't forget to take a deep breath and enjoy the dance!

What are those dreams?

Danielle said...

I so know where you're coming from. One of my friends was telling me how you have to compromise, but there are "deal breakers" on the compromise end and also, for me, I feel why do I need to compromise, cause I'm happy where I am, with how my life is and how things are going, so if someone isn't willing to do that/be that or what not, why do I have to change since things are good either way. But if it's a good dance, no reason you can't have some fun and enjoy it!

JenKneeBee said...

it's hard to make yourself stop and not freak out in such situations. the thought of what could be very exciting and life changing just has too much pull to not think about it. and i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing :)

OC said...

If you're fine - truly fine - with right now... don't change it. If it's meant to change, it will happen when it's supposed to. I know that sounds all cliche and corny, but so rarely do we actually admit to being fine... enjoy it. Enjoy the moment, enjoy the dance... and enjoy him not stepping on your feet. :)

Ginger Breadman said...

you have so much insight. you have the ability to accept all of your questions and worries, give priority to your dreams and passions, and know that it is all part of the grand thing we call life and we don't always have to know how it works or fits together, but that it's all a process and it's okay to question and wonder.

Sempre Libera said...

"It was just a dance, and the dance was pretty good."

So true! The questions and what-ifs are normal, but your final conclusion is where the real answer lies.

And from someone who often finds herself thinking the same things, thanks for writing this!

Sister Buckle said...

Yes! Yes! Yes! Heh heh.

You got disturbed!

By a man!

They're so great. I think you should have another dance. You can learn a lot from a dance. Lots.

Freaking out is 100 times better than long stretches of time devoid of passion.

GirlGoyle said...

Well...if you are trying to fit the piece into the puzzle it means it's at least worth contemplating about, which in itself is a huge thing! But don't overthink it...things fall in/out of place as they should.

justrun said...

You guys are so cool.

appletini said...

You made me chuckle with your "freaking out" :)
I'm sure that all will be fine... I think that is in our nature (female nature)to think wayyyy ahead, wayyy to much, and then freak out.
Just enjoy the dance... it sounded really good ;)

brookem said...

i loved this post, and could very much relate. things can change so quickly, so very true. and i too, dont want that change to mean i have to give up anything big that i have going now in order to let it work out as it should. i guess, bottom line, if it's meant to work out, it won't seem like a compromise. or something.

Nicole said...

I'm the ultimate planner so I freak out about everything therefore I think I can understand. Yet, with all my planning my mom always told me that things would work out the way they are suppose to - she was right at least in my cases. I still plan away though and things still work out usually without me giving up to much of what I want either.