Monday, November 06, 2006

i have no idea

I don't know how to do this.

I woke up this morning with a pretty severe pain in the inside of my right knee. Yes, the same knee I've had problems with, but different place and different pain. But it's a bad pain. Pain that keeps me from moving my knee more than one degree either direction. Getting out of the car even hurts, twisting is out of the question. And I don't know how to deal with it.

The anger.

The pain.

The loss.

The disappointment, yet again.

The depression I'm afraid it will cause.

All of it.

I am four weeks out from a marathon. Four weeks out of a huge thing I've been preparing for, not just physically and mentally, but with a travel plans. And friends. And pasta dinners. And after race parties. And promises of pace groups, and finish line celebrations.

And today feels like that's all being taken away from me. This is a worse pain than I've felt, ever. It hurts to the point that I've been reduced to tears several times today. Then again, that wasn't just from the physical pain.

I hate the person that it makes me. It makes me not care. It makes me not laugh. It makes me not eat. And for someone that up until now has been fighting the urge to eat everything in the fridge, this is huge. Instead, I just don't care. It magnifies everything difficult I've been dealing with and it makes it worse. It reduces the good to the point where I can't even see it.

That's the feeling that scares me the most. I've never been depressed for more than a couple days at a time, certainly never diagnosed. But that's largely due to my being able to run. Or bike, or whatever gets me moving enough to get things in perspective. Which leads to being able to deal with life. Which leads to being able to be the person I want to be for those around me. Which leads to being present in my life. Which leads to happiness, and family, and friends, and fun. My life. It's all connected.

I feel robbed. I feel cheated. I feel like this thing, the one thing I feel like I really only do for me, is being taken away. When you're doing something good for yourself, it's not fair that it be taken away. It just doesn't make sense. And I know no one died and I know it's not the worst thing in the world but in all honesty, I think it's too hard for me to deal with. Sitting here tonight, I have no idea what to do. There's nothing I can do. I'm helpless and powerless. And hurt. And it came out of nowhere. And it's not fair.


backofpack said...

Okay, first take a deep breath. I know you are beyond frustrated. I know it feels like the end of your running life - but if it is the end, it's only the end of this race. I know at this immediate moment it doesn't help - but hang on to the thought. There will always be races.

For now, ibuprofin, ice and rest. If it's not better in a day or two, try to find a sports med doc and have them take a look. Ask if there is something they can do to get you through a marathon. Maybe it's mild and rest will fix it. If it's more, maybe some ultrasound therapy or something can get you through. And if not, then go anyway, be race support, hang out, celebrate for your friends and dream about your future.

I did exactly that for three long years. I was in tears more than once over the desire to race - the mind was willing, but the body was not. I tried and failed more than once. I whined, I cried, I gave up, I plotted, I tried alternatives. I wanted a marathon, or even a half and I was stuck at 5K to 5 miles. But look at me now! It is possible. Not fun, but possible.

For today, allow yourself to feel all the disapointment and frustration and pain, then build yourself a plan and move forward. You can get through this - adversity builds character, and yours is strong.

craig said...

Sorry to hear about the injury. This year hasn't been kind to me either.

Sarah Elaine said...

Such an emotionally evocative post! Like BackofPack, I too was injured for a long time... Still coming off it and my body is nowhere near where my mind is.

So sorry to hear about it. It's not fun. Hope you feel like yourself again soon...

justrun said...

BoP- Wow, thank you. I know you are right. I'm trying to take it one thing at a time, today is better than yesterday. I will definitely go to the race anyway. Thanks for the encouragement and for the right words- you are like my blogging mom. :)

Craig- Thanks. I am not very good at dealing with this, obviously.

Sarah- Thank you. That's the hardest part, isn't it? When the body doesn't match the mind.

Anonymous said...

I cannot imagine! I hope the ibuprofin, ice and rest help. I'm thinking about you!

Sizzle said...

why should you be good at dealing with it!? you are a runner. you are preparing for a marathon. this is the absolute worst thing to have happen. cry, wail, bemoan, spew angry tirades- if you weren't i would be seriously concerned about you!

with that said, i am thinking healing thoughts and hoping the pain subsides and a solution is just around the corner.

big hugs,

Robb said...

I feel for you. What could be worse? I hope only the best for you - all of your friends do! You will run another day and maybe run this planned marathon! Do take that deep breath! BOP gives solid advice as you know. could the mystery surrounding what's wrong with your knee perhaps be worse than what is actually causing the pain? Get it checked out if you can. Dig deep and find some hope. It will work out fine.

justacoolcat said...

Injuries before the big race are so disappointing. Let's hope it's minor.

Danielle said...

Don't give up the hopes of the race yet. Rest and ice it for the next couple of days AND get an appointment for a dr and if you can find one, one that runs, so that you know you are dealing with the right situation. You are only 4 weeks out, you've put in the training up till now, so you take a bit of a longer taper, if you rest it for a few days and do crosstraining, you could still get through the marathon, provided it heals. You might not make a time goal, but you definitely can do it. If it helps, last year prior to Chicago I had 12.5 miles 4 weeks out, 4.5 3 weeks out, 12.5 2 weeks out and in the week up to Chicago I only had 2.5 miles due to a sore foot or knee, I can't remember for sure and I was able to run a 4:20...not sure where your pacing is, but just letting you know, rest is helpful and you still can have some hope...and I totally relate to the depression associated with not moving. Hope this goes away quickly for you.

Anonymous said...

BOP is right on. "hang on to the thought. There will always be races" I had a couple of injuries last spring and summer and I had to give up most of my planned races, but thank goodness I did because now I am starting the slow build-up again and I am enjoying every wet, cold and tired minute of it. It might be zen or the ying/yang or god's punishment or whatever, but I believe in running, just like in life there are the ups and downs. If you don't have the downs, the ups won't be nearly quite so sweet!

justrun said...

RGF- Thank you, I need the thoughts.

Sizzle- You're right. Thanks. :)

Rob- Thanks, I know and I'm trying to not jump to conclusions. Trying.

JACC- I am really, really hoping a lot. I hope that counts for double.

Danielle- Wow, that does give me hope. I have a good base, so maybe there's a chance, even with a long taper. STill, I'd like to get one 20 in. Ugh.

Adam- I see your point. I am hoping I can adopt it in the coming days- my sanity is going to need it. :)

Dawn said...

The same thing happened to me a few weeks back, but I was only training for a half. Knees got all jacked up and then in my overcompensation for that, my calf starting hurting. *sigh*

I ran, slower than anticipated, but I ran.

And I'm sure you will too!

skinnylittleblonde said...

uhoh, i've been out of the loop for a few days. i hope your knee is improving daily.