Who Cares?

For the first time in a while, the person in the mirror took me by surprise this morning. I didn't completely recognize her. Of course, this may have something to do with the fact that I spent all afternoon yesterday drinking on an outdoor patio (we all know what a combination of tequila and sun can do for your looks) but I think it was more than that.

Something has changed other than the shade of pink on my face today. Something's a little different. And as opposed to the past, I don't care that I feel different.

I've always been pretty good at being myself. I don't spend a lot of time defending my choices in clothes, music, etc. Being the only person in the car that knows (and sings) Born to Run doesn't really bother me. When I bought the house that my mother thought was "too much work", I didn't listen. When people scoff at the amount of money I'll spend on traveling, I brush it off. Admittedly though, in the back of my mind, I did care. I didn't need people to like what I was doing or agree with me, but I did care if they didn't. I wanted to know why we disagreed. I wanted minds to change and things to be 'just so', so I could feel better. Though I didn't listen and it wasn't always evident in my actions, I've allowed opinions to be the gauge that determined the direction of my heart and mind.

For some reason, today's the day the universe picked for me to realize: I don't care. I'm glad you're you and I'm me and you have an opinion and I have an opinion and we can find a way to get along. That hasn't changed and I'm thankful for it. I'm not saying I don't respect your opinion or value it. In fact, now more than ever, I need it. Even as I type it, I'm not certain "care" is the right word. I do care about people and things. Sometimes I care so much that I would do anything to make sure it's known. But it doesn't affect my happiness, it can't. That's the part that I have to be alright with. It doesn't mean anything is wrong or that I'm apathetic. It just means I'm completely accepting of something that's mine.

I'll be the first to admit, this isn't a sudden revelation nor is it that profound. Rather, this has been more of a progression. The way it seems now, confident decisions and comfortable decisions are not mutually exclusive and I think the difference is how the decision sits with you when all is said and done. You may like what you did and things are working out great but if somewhere the whisper of another's voice is haunting you and you're feeling guilty or sad or dissatisfied, then you're losing out. It's not worth selling yourself short by not embracing the differences and moving on.

If you did something well and left no one in your wake, there's no reason for apologies. If your favorite music is the soundtracks to old Westerns, no worries. If you want to spend $500 on your cat, do it. If you want to eat ice cream for lunch, go ahead.

Or maybe not. If my pants don't fit, I do care. A little.