Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Benchwarmer

I feel very much on the sidelines of life right now. It's like the team is out there, making everything happen and I'm merely watching. I'm excited for the team, we're winning, we look great, we're a success. But I'm just sort of there, filling the space.

I know these times in life come. I know that I'm in a unique situation with four pregnant friends, three friends or family members building or buying new houses, two couples getting married, one friend moving across the country to live with someone, and three other friends starting new jobs or careers. That is a lot. And me, well I went to Starbucks this morning.

I'm trying not to approach this as a woe is me type of story because overall, it's not. The situations above all have their problems and imperfections, and believe me, few of them are idyllic. Still, they all seem so full of meaning and hope. It's not that my life is without meaning or hope, far from it. It's just getting a little difficult to maintain that on my own. Possibly to a fault, I'm one of those people that believes I have to be very selective on who I burden with my problems. In turn, I get to do a lot of thinking and planning all inside my own mind. The way things are going right now, the mind is a little over taxed.

I've always been pretty good at separating other's choices and successes from my own life. I can be really happy for a friend getting married, for example, because I can tell myself "that is what's right for them, not necessarily for me." It's true; not once has someone else's new husband, new house, new job, new dog, whatever, been something I'd choose for myself. It's a pretty logical way of thinking, for the most part. I suppose the only time it starts to get difficult is when you see all this new and all this change at once.

My first instinct is to do something about it. Of course, that's not a solution for everything. It works for me professionally when I decide to work harder, or work on something new. It works for me physically when I'm feeling fat or slow or weak. It works for me socially when I feel like I've lost touch with some friends and need to catch up. But doing something about this, well it's nearly impossible.

So I'll just have to wait. I'll just have to sit here, watch the game and trust that the coach will put me back in when the time is right. I'll let the pressure go, I'll watch and cheer and know that when the time comes, I'll be ready.

20 comments:

Sizzle said...

maybe the thing to do is to not think of it is as "waiting" but as "living" and embrace this time? for all the things you feel you "lack" are not actually lacking, they maybe are just arriving in packages you weren't on the look out for...

or is that too hippy dippy?

:)

Joe said...

From your friends' point of view, they may long for your stable situation. Perhaps you are the "rock" the centers them and gives them strength. The grass is always greener.

justacoolcat said...

Chance favors the prepared mind.

e.b. said...

You never know when these life events will happen to you. And once you undergo them, there is no going back. So enjoy the now - as it will be the last time you are single, free, etc. It is not a cliche pep talk - it is real.

justrun said...

Sizzle- Not, not hippy dippy. But in some ways, waiting is my choice. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm livin'. In a couple weeks, I'll be livin' on an island, as a matter of fact. :)

Joe- That is a possibility. Which is why I know nothing is perfect, the only thing it's not is mine... yet.

JACC- Always with the sense, you.

e.b.- Yeah, I know. It's more of a control issue than anything. Imagine that. :)

Ginger Breadman said...

I really, really, like what joe said. And I had a hard time with this: "the coach will put me back in when the time is right". Be an advocate for yourself - don't wait for someone else to make the plays. But at the same time, sometimes living your life isn't easy when you feel like there are more events going on in everyone else's life. Everything in life is for a reason, and everything in life has it's own moment. Live in the moment, celebrate yourself, and give support to those around you. Your 'time' is happening right now - every minute.

Ruby said...

I feel like you're in my head writing about where I am right now...

Bre said...

Just so long as you remember that if the coach doesn't put you into the right game (this is an awkward metaphor) you can always pull yourself out and become a superstar elsewhere!

egan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sempre Libera said...

That you are truly living, as you say, even when there are no "plans" to speak of actually says volumes of (good) things about you. Most of life happens between milestones - enjoy it!

Orhan Kahn said...

What you're feeling is indeed very natural. I say this only because I share your feelings. Hope we both find our groove.

singleton said...

Well, it's all part of the butterfly effect.... perched where you are, living, breathing, laughing, running, doing exactly everything you are doing so that every single moment is the moment before....what happens next! Enjoy the ride, it will take you where you are meant to be!

brandy said...

I understand what you are saying. And when I feel similar, I too, imploy the 'I'm happy that she's getting married because that's right for and I shouldn't feel bad because I wouldn't want to marry him, etc, etc.'. But sometimes it still is frustrating. Hang in there and realize you aren't the only one on the bench ;)

Backofpack said...

You've got a serious case of FOMO! (Fear Of Missing Out). It is most often applied right here in our running club in regards to races and runs, but could be applied to life in general. Believe me, it's worth waiting for the "right" person. Once you've met the right one, all else will fall into place. Babies will come when you are ready, houses will come when you are ready. I guess you could change jobs right now, but that would be change for the sake of change. Not always a good thing!

Backofpack said...

Oh, I knew you were joking - I thought it was hilarious! You'd fit right in at our house.

Dawn said...

I'm right there with you, wondering when my time will come...all the while preparing myself for the possibility that it may not.

Scary stuff.

egan said...

You know what we don't do enough in this country, is promote the advantages of being single. I say this as a happily married man. It should not be viewed as a bad thing to be single in your late 20s, 30s, or 40s... or whenever.

I do understand where you're coming from with all your friends having kids. Why does your nephew have to be so adorable?

GirlGoyle said...

Rest up so you are ready when the coach calls. I wouldn't want to play this part of the game just yet either...or maybe ever. I'm sure you'll get your turn.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Sometime watching and waiting can be very grounding (although I don't think you're lacking in that area anyway). Enjoying your friend's excitement is pretty sweet as well.

runliarun said...

I've been for years in your situation, long years, more than a decade, and in certain regards I still am. Watching, like an outsider to life. But this is life too, and a fabulous opportunity to grow and to know yourself and become strong with this knowledge. There will hardly be a better time when life allows you to pursue any whim, to try out new experiences, to test situations, to establish your taste, to burn, alone and resplendant, at the heart of your own adventure. Live fully.