Wednesday, March 21, 2007

As It Should Be

I'll never get used to coming back from a trip. I'd like to say I'm the exact same person when I'm sitting in front of this screen as I am when I traipse down a beach (even if I'm in multiple layers of clothing) but I'm not.

The person traipsing down the beach has worries and troubles, just like the one in front of this screen. The difference is, while I'm away, traipsing down a beach, everything seems a little more possible. When I'm laughing and running with friends, the responsibilities of life are just that. They don't weigh on me, they don't keep me up nights, they certainly don't call after I've left the office and ask what drive I stored a file on (even though I sent an email stating that exact fact). They just fade a little.

Now, sitting here, everything just seems a little more heavy and a lot more there. The dates to keep, the bills to pay, the conversations I have to have but don't want to are all here, right in front of my face. They scream "you can't ignore us now! haha!" And all I want to do is close my eyes and take myself back mere hours to a time when I could concentrate on something else. Where decisions didn't have to be made and life seemed pressure less. Where I seemed confident and fearless.

And maybe that's what I miss the most. I miss the girl that lives, for a few days, like she has no cares. (Sidebar: I don't really know if that's the right approach, though. After all, I did get a speeding ticket and that is definitely something to care about.) I know that's always in me, but you tell me when you see a bill staring you in the face for carpet replacement that you feel as good as when you're eating ice cream and staring out at the ocean. It is not the same.

Of course we all know that. We all know there are ups and downs, good and bad and I think I'm good at that. I think I can take a break and fully enjoy it. I think I can write a check for a bill and well, not enjoy it but at the very least, take it for what it is. The area that needs work? Getting used to living with both. My mind believes it. My brain understands it. My heart, and the kid in me, want to lay on the floor and flail around and whine that it's just not fair!

Part of me, somewhere between my heart and mind, between the whiner and the logical thinker knows that's just how it is. That's vacation. That's friends. That's running. It's all as it's supposed to be, even if paying bills sucks.

12 comments:

brandy said...

"Now, sitting here, everything just seems a little more heavy and a lot more there." - Perfectly stated! It sounds like you had a good time though.

e.b. said...

My parents use to call it TNF - that's not fair. And sometimes it isn't!

But isn't it nice to know that there are vacations and breaks and trips with friends and beaches? That give you something to look forward to and pine for. So you also know for certain that paying the bills really just does suck (because it sure as hell not sitting on a beach!)

justacoolcat said...

Usually after vacation I am happy to be home and get back to my routine. I find comfort in "the way it is".

Bre said...

A very wise person once told me "Fair is a myth created by children who want something."

they're right

....

and that sucks!

adam said...

You could try leaving it all behind. I mean the bills, the work the commitments. I've never tried it but I am guessing that without all the s*@t you have to do while you wait for a vacation, the vacation might not really be a vacation! It might not be quite so rad! But it would probably still be better than work!

I know it doesn't make any sense but I am a pleasure delayer. My pleasure is derived at least partly from the amount of time and work spent getting to that place, or state of mind.

Backofpack said...

I get that feeling after time away too - even if it's just one night. I think it's from a disruption in our routine, and anxiety in over re-establishing it. Once you step back into the routine, things settle down. Also, it seems like those little daily things we do - laundry, groceries, bills, cleaning really pile up when we take time away - so then instead of staying just ahead of it, we're way behind it. The time away is totally worth it though!

Sister Buckle said...

Ey! It's like when you just wake up and go "I feel sooo good!" and then some stupid thoughts of all the crap you've gotta do today just wrecks everything.

More holiday thinking, I say.

Hey - I'm back! Took a few weeks for things to stop being crazy, but I think I'm adapting.

Repeat after me: "I am not a screw-up! I rejoice at my time-saving, organisational genius!"

Sister Buckle said...

Just read that last comment of mine. Oh man - What a note to come back on. I sound like some hysterical office bunny.

I'll try and keep a lid on...

Dawn said...

Oh to not be so analytical! What a fabulous thing...I totally understand you on this.

Nicole said...

Great post. As much as I love coming home from a trip I love not thinking about the daily to do things. I struggle to find balance all the time, but it seems like you are doing a good job.

Danielle said...

I so know what you mean about life after vacation. I love Vacation Danielle, as I like to refer to her. She's everything I wish I could be, which is weird, to compare yourself to and wish you were someone who you really are, just not all the time? Anyway, I so know what you mean though too, about the let down when you get back from a vacation. At least you have another one lined up soon! (at least I think I remember you booking a couple that are coming up!)

Celina said...

Well put! I seem to get more stressed out when planning vacations because I have to plan to take care of stuff before I go, schedule/set up/pay the stuff that's due while I'm gone, AND plan ahead for the things that are due AFTER I get back!
You have such.... a WAY with words! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! :)