Monday, August 14, 2006

Ten Reasons Online Dating Has Yet To Rope Me In

[All quotes are exact.]

1. Contradictory Statements

Okay, I guess I'll be somewhat specific. I'm looking for a cute woman to hang out with and celebrate 420. I have a lot a friends to celebrate with, but I'm also looking for that special someone. So I figure we hang out, burn a little, get the munchies, get some grub, have an intelligent conversation, maybe catch a flick, go mini-golfing, I don't know, anything. I just wanna go out. Anyone interested. By the way I have top-o-the-line supplies, so no worries, but if you have your own that's cool too. Peace

2. The ability to be revolting in fifty words or less

Real 27 y/o , professional, fun, muscular very sexy man has the house all to himself this week, wife is on a business trip. No Drama, prefer that you are older 35-45, attractive that is not only sensual and love me but who can carry a conversation.

3. Appearance is more important than grammar

Why hello their ladies, I am a 6 feet green eyed dark blondish brown hair very athletic, very handsome. I am looking to meet a beautiful women, please don't even bother if you are not. If you are send me a message with a pic and i will return one. Hope to here from you soon.

4. Carelessness, in more ways than one

Well I am trying this since I do not have a lot of free time but want someone to enjoy that free time with. I don’t care if you have a photo as a mater of fact I do not want a photo till we meet. I do not care if you large or skinny. I do not care if you have children or not.

5. Rhyming

Lust is not love but love cannot exist without lust. But none of those can exist without a friendship built on trust.

6. The inability to distinguish between the pot and the kettle

Ahh yes, the body type...hmnmm...allow me to be diplomatic here. If you are fat, call it what you want, BBW/whatever, no offense intended, I'm not the guy for you. Some guys are into that, I'm not one of those guys. If you are overweight, fine. If you work out obsessively, we may have a problem - I don't. Presuming you are about my age or within 10 years, I'm not expecting Angelina Jolie. I guarantee you, you are not getting Brad Pitt. I'm a FEW pounds overweight.

7. Closed-minded and Too Much Information, now all in one package!

What can I say? I'm all that and a laundry mat. As my friend Andria would say, I've got an ego and it's not going anywhere. Nicknames include Hollywood, Tommy-boy, Mr. Accuracy, and Sexy. I was born with my 3rd and 4th fingers on my left hand webbed together. Hasn't affected my obsession with weight lifting and working out in general. My favorite exercise is pullups; on a good day I can get 21.
I'm glad I was born and raised in California, it means I don't have a ridiculous sounding accent from some weird corner of the USA. Had more near-death experiences than you've probably had birthdays. My job gives me an extra $1155 a month to pay for rent. It also gives me frequent heartburn, rectal irritation, and insomnia. Was in the boy scouts growing up, and yes, I earned a whopping 36 merit badges.

8. Those periods and commas sure take up a lot of space

ANY LADIES LIKE TO HAVE A FRIENDSHIP MY HOBBIES ARE POOL BOWLING CONCERTS HANGOUT TALK MUSIC CAMPING MOVIES I AM LOOKING FOR A FEMALE THAT WE CAN HANGOUT TALK KNOW EACH OTHER GO OUT HAVE FUN I AM HISPANIC I AM SEEKING A FEMALE TO BE GOOD FRIENDS ANYBODY INTERESTED I AM NOT INTO GAMES I HOPE I CAN MEET SOMEBODY AND START A GOOD FRIENDSHIP THANK YOU.

9. Sometimes, one ought mince words. You know?

No. 3 knows how to take care of me. Great cook, super masseuse, trust fund or great, well paying job...you know: the basics. "Hey, honey...it's time to change the oil in the Beemer." "No, problem," she replies, "I'll take care of it this afternoon, after I clean out the gutters." My kind of gal.

10. Mental Health

But seriously. What's the point? There's no point. People just make up their own meanings and there's no deeper truth, nothing to hope for. It's all a mask or a lie to cover up the deep anxiety caused by the realization that our lives mean absolutely nothing. There's nothing out there. There's no one out there. A defeatist attitude is the only method of maintaining a healthy life, paradoxically leading to nothing but giving you everything. In order to be healthy, one must be unhealthy.

14 comments:

Robb said...

I'm not sure if you're being funnay and sarcastic or if you really mean it. If you really mean that part about there 'being nothing out there', I differ with you, then again...I've been known to be wrong.

Maybe you're right.

justrun said...

Robb- Those are all quotes in italics. I didn't write any of that.

gone said...

I went to my medicine chest after reading #10 and I may have overdosed!

craig said...

You've just supplied proof that humans in our society are not as advanced as we like to think.
At least not the one's quoted. So much for progress. Thanks for the laugh.

justrun said...

Cooper- I am hoping these are just extreme cases. But still, yikes.

Craig- It's quite scary. Thanks for seeing the humor though.

Runner Girl FL said...

That was great!! I have read my fair share of these profiles as well and those really are the norm!! It's never good!!

Sizzle said...

oh. my. god.

the funniest part of these is that these poor idiots will likely find love before i do! ;)

justrun said...

RGF- I know. A shocking reality.

Sizz- Ain't that the truth?!

Neil said...

Allow me to be diplomatic here -- what losers!

Bre said...

I'm with you 110%! I've never heard of a normal personal ad on one of those things!

Sister Buckle said...

Maybe people just go funny when they've been broken by love and are driven to the personal ad.

I've always refused to go there. Just like I refuse to be a telemarketer. Life's never THAT devoid of choices.

Wifey said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
justacoolcat said...

I agree there are lots of freaks and false/bad ads, but to those that are condensending to all those that use online dating *AHEM* I met my wife online.

Bre?

Buckle? Broken by love? . . .

HA!

blackbird said...

sign me,
awfully happy to be married...