Workin' at the car wash

Feeling all summer and weekend-like, I decided I'd wash my car the old fashioned way today, myself.


I was pretty sure I knew what to do, but just in case, there were instructions on the bottle of car soap:
(They were decent instructions but, in my opinion, lacking some important information.)

1.
Choose a shady spot, preferably away from trees that are dripping sap or dropping leaves. And birds.

2.
Close all doors and windows. Double check. Seriously. Learn from the past.

3.
Put one capful of car soap into a bucket and fill it 3/4 of the way with warm water. Set the bucket aside. Or you will trip over it. Along with the hose. Which will spray up your shorts, guaranteed.

4.
Hose any excess dirt off the car. Start at the top, trust me.

5.
Lather a sponge or terry cloth rag in the bucket of soapy water and sponge the roof of the car. Spray off excess soap when the entire roof has been cleaned. Now you tell me.

6.
Repeat for all four sides of the car, washing one full side including windows, fenders and tires and rinsing completely before going to the next side. Wait, are you saying: lather, rinse and repeat? As needed?

7.
Give the car one final rinse with the hose to get rid of any water spots when all four sides have been washed and rinsed. This is a good way to see all the spots you missed and have to go back over even though your arms are about to fall off because, dear god, washing the car is a lot of work.

8.
Take a chamois leather ("shammy" leather) or towel and dry the car thoroughly by setting the towel flat against the surface of the car and dragging it along the surface to pick up any water spots. Start at the roof and work your way down to the tires. Say "shammy" several times. It's funny. Shammy. Heh.

9.
Wash the windows with a rag soaked in plain water and dry them with a dry rag, or use window cleaner and pieces of balled-up newspaper on both the inside and the outside of the windows. The "balled-up newspaper" should be new newspaper. Don't use balled-up newspaper that was previously balled for other purposes. Trust me.

10.
Give any metal or chrome an extra rubdown to get rid of water spots. Obviously. Always opt for the extra rubdown.

11.
Clean the interior if you have time. This should really be the first step because no matter how speedy you think you are, vacuuming dog hair out of your seats takes at least thirty minutes per hair. You will vow to never let the dog on the seats again and then, about ten minutes later, she will want to go to the park and you will be like, "okay, fine. But no shedding this time, please." She will shed anyway. She will also make it a point to sneeze on all the windows.

(The last instruction was missing altogether but I have no idea why they left it out.)
12. Pull your car onto the front lawn to wash it. This is conservative and environmentally conscious. It also reassures your neighbors that yes, you are in fact a redneck and proud of it. In case they're in doubt, you can also play some 80's hair band music from your front porch. Guns N' Roses or Motley Crue work well.

Happy washing.

Shammy.